Greetings all!

I noticed that we hadn’t had much to say at all of late and that made me a bit sad. Especially since there are quite a few things topic wise that are being “discussed” lately or you know today!

No, I am not talking about a certain senator from Idaho, I am talking about what the White House announced today in regards to Sex Ed. As the post title indicates, the Administration’s campaign is rather onesided towards Abstinence and present a certain flawed view of many things from the “risks” of sexual activity to several unscientific claims about abortion.

While it is bad enough that this sort of disinformation and ideology can be in the mainstream and all, to me the greatest concern is that these Health Programs which have a transparent agenda are not only government funded, but actual Government Policy. Well, that’s actually not quite true, my greatest concern is that there is relatively little outcry about this action and things like it.

Here are some links for further information:
The first is the news story that I found and the second is the Government site with video of the accompanying ad campaign. Talk amongst ye-selves, as Peaches would say.

http://thinkprogress.org/2007/10/08/4parents-abstinence/
http://4parents.gov/index.html

Specifically, should it be required for girls around age 11 or 12, since that’s the only issue that has so far made it to the big arenas. Texas tried and failed to make it a rule; Maryland is working on it next. But, obviously, it’s not a black-and-white issue:

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Lately, it seems that the news is all about taking the fun out of sex. Everywhere you turn, the talking heads are registering shock or dismay or good old-fashioned schadenfreude about the latest homophobic lobbist to be caught in a bathroom looking for love, the latest teen idol whose pristine reputation has been tarnished, the latest exhibition of a pop star’s poor romantic and recreational decisions.

Sex Calumny is not amused. In fact, we’re uninspired.

So this week we ask you, the readers, to bring something more exciting, erotic, and sex-positive to the table. Read any good books lately? Heard any tunes that made you weak in the knees? Seen any recent films that make sex look good again?

We’ll show you ours if you show us yours!

Readers, several months ago I pulled together as much information as I could regarding the HPV virus and the Gardasil vaccine. I also challenged you to begin your vaccination process before I finished mine.

Well, today I took my third and final Gardasil shot. I am now protected against the four most prevalent forms of HPV, although I may or may not be cured of the one I already had. Now it’s your turn… holla if you’ve started the vaccination series!

If you haven’t and want to explain why (”I called my insurance but they won’t cover it”) or you want more information, feel free to use the comments for that as well!

You all have probably already heard about it on the news or in a magazine, but a few weeks ago Gina Kolata reported survey results on how many sex partners heterosexual men and women had: 7 to 4, men lead. In a similar British study, 12.7 to 6.8, men lead again. Mathmaticians complain: it’s statistically impossible! Everyone else wondered, who’s lying?

I myself wonder. The usual theory goes something like this: men have to pad their numbers to appear like sexual conquistadors, and women have to “forget” a few of their encounters because the old double standard makes them seem slutty, which is neither a desirable nor safe label to allow. But there are other possibilities. Unless the survey specified, the discrepancy may also be due to a variance in the way subjects think of sex: if, for example, male subjects included anything that led to ejaculation, but women only counted penetration (I used to, on my mental checklist of Persons Fucked). Another theory described in Kolata’s article suggests that the men with higher numbers slept with women outside of the test population: sex workers, women in other countries, etc. It seems to be a subject wide open to speculation.

But I also wonder why it matters. What do the numbers represent to the people who keep track of them, and the people who want to know them? I think that on the surface at least, everyone knows that sex is about quality, not quantity: an individual who has been in one lifelong monogamous relationship might have more sexual prowess than another who has bedded dozens. Personally, I’ve put a few notches in the bedpost that I’d rather replace with the memory of a good book - both give me stories to tell for laughter or amazement, but at least books aren’t so risky. ; )

I keep track of my conquests for myself because I don’t like to think I am the kind of person who’d forget a lover. But when people share numbers - the interaction that leads to exaggerating or underestimating your score - what significance does anyone hope the body count will have? I can only remember a few instances in which I shared numbers with partners. My fourth lover was extremely worried about my lack of experience compared to his alleged score; I think he was concerned that I’d fall in love with him. (Similar scene in 200 Cigarettes between Jay Mohr and Kate Hudson.) On another occasion, I reunited with a Friend With Benefits after a long break, and he wanted to compare stats: “when was the last time I had sex?” (read: was it the last time we were together?)
“Why do you want to know?” I parried. “Men never want to know these things.” Particularly not when you’re shedding clothes, which is what we were doing at the time. A few weeks, I told him - not entirely truthfully. “Really?!” he asked with incredulity. I let it drop, but I’ll never know whether he meant “Really, that long? Get a life!” or “Really, you have other lovers that you see when I’m not around? Aw man!” What else is that information good for?

So, readers, I open this comment thread to you to air your theories on the number discrepancy. What’s it all about? Also, just for fun, you too can submit your Bedpost Notch Count for study and analysis. You can define sex how you please - after all, “lover” or even “fuckbuddy” can mean so much more than vaginal penetration. And of course, since these polls are anonymous, we have no way of knowing whether or not you’re honest about your gender - but that doesn’t make it any less relevant than the original survey, does it? ; )

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Thanks to reader Dot for the link!

Q11: I have a question about using vibrators. I use the Hitachi Magic Wand and one of my friends said that if I use it all the time I’m going to desensitize my clitoris. Is this true?
It seems like it’s almost the only way I can come but I couldn’t come very easily before I started using it anyway, so I don’t know if that’s the reason.
Can you give me some advice? Thanks.
–Vibra-girl

Nicole Marie: Nope, you and your magic wand have nothing to fear in the way of making your orgasms disappear. Many things can affect your orgasms and the ability to reach them. If anything, enlisting the aid of little Hitachi, with or without a friend involved, may help you learn how to more regularly achieve orgasm. Using toys can help a great deal with finding your comfort level, learning about what gets you off (practice practice : ) ), and peaking pleasure.
I once had a friend make the same comment about ‘losing your orgasm’ or desensitizing. I have to say, I’ve been using a variety of vibrators and toys for about ten years now and I haven’t broken myself yet. Likewise, I spoke to several friends about their own use (or supposed abuse) of BOBs (battery operated boyfriends) and not a single one has yet experienced a bit of desensitization or orgasm loss. As for other ways to come, it’s not uncommon that young women in particular find it most likely that they’ll reach orgasm during oral sex or with the aid of a toy. I suggest you enjoy these two options and remember that practice makes… well, maybe not perfect, but practice will certainly make pleasure.

Gwen: I can not tell you how many times I have heard this exact same thing. It seems like one of those ideas that everyone has heard, but no one has actually experienced. While I can’t speak for everyone, I can say that I have been using a vibrator (and now a number of different vibrators!!!) for about 4-5 years, and I haven’t experienced any long term desensitization. In fact, I have noticed that the experience of using “toys” has made me more aware of my body, how it works, how my moods and desires change, and what it takes to stimulate me at different times. AND, if anything, the knowledge I have gained regarding my own sexuality has increased my arousal.
Now, I don’t own a “Hitachi Magic Wand,” but I know that type of vibrator can certainly achieve super speeds, so I understand your concern. I own a magic bullet vibrator, and these are similar in terms of vibration speed. But even with this super speed bullet, I haven’t experienced any problems. And I have certainly used the magic bullet frequently enough to adequately test if I would loose sensitivity… ;). On average I use a vibrator about 1-2 times a week, but I have, of course, gone through prolonged periods of what I’ll call “extreme interest,” where I would use my vibrators every day (or several times a day) for a few weeks straight. Thus, I feel assured that if there was a chance that I would lose sensitivity, I would have experienced it.
While I haven’t experienced any long-term loss of sensitivity or desensitization, I should mention that I have experienced short-term desensitization. For example, from time to time, I will, when using a vibrator, feel like it is not as effective, and when I turn off the vibrator, I almost feel like my clit is still vibrating on its own for a short while after. But this sensation and the accompanying lack of sensitivity is very similar (almost exactly so) to the desensitization I have experienced after any prolonged sex play—with or without a vibrator—and it usually occurs during those times when I use my vibrator several times in a relatively short span (say like 2-3 times within an hour or two) AND, since sensation returns once I “calm down” and “give myself a rest,” (always within 24 hours) any fears I used to have about “burning myself out” have dissipated.
Instead, as I have said, I feel like the knowledge I have gained from using a vibrator has made me more open and at ease with my own body and sexuality. In fact, my experience with one vibrator has led me to try different kinds of vibrators to learn more about how my body works and what I like. You might wonder what other types of vibrators I have used. In addition to my magic bullet, I have a vibrator that vibrates and rotates (like the famous rabbit from Sex and the City fame), I have a classic dildo with the “regular” vibrating speeds, and I even have a vibrator designed to reach the G-spot. What I have discovered is that my sexuality and desires change with my moods. While owning so many vibrators might seem pointless to some (not to mention expensive), I have learned that my sexuality is very similar to my taste in food, or even how I choose clothing. I have different cravings, tastes, or moods on different days. Sometimes I have no interest in a vibrator at all because I prefer something else, say intercourse or my hand. Other times I want to use a vibrator and must decide if I want the vibration alone, at what speed, or if I want vibration and penetration together.
Now, all of this may just be complicating the situation and may not be true of you, but bear with me. Your question suggests that you have found that your vibrator is currently the best way, if not the only way, for you to achieve orgasm. And I would guess, from the wording of your question, that you seem a little concerned about the fact that this is the only or best way for you to achieve orgasm (particularly if it might lead to desensitization). Hopefully, I (and the rest of the panel) have dispelled some, if not all, of your fears about losing sensitivity by using your vibrator. And perhaps, if you no longer have that fear, you can fully relax and begin to really explore the use of your vibrator. And exploration is really what I am emphasizing. I understand that you may not be comfortable with trying different kinds of vibrators (plus you might lack the funds since the endeavor can get quite costly). I didn’t share my own experience to suggest that my answer is true for you. INSTEAD, I share my own experience in order to suggest that we could all benefit from spending some time exploring our bodies and how to arouse ourselves. Hopefully, now that you feel less concerned about desensitization, you can relax fully as you explore this process, and you might gain more insight into exactly why your Hitachi Magic Wand works for you OR you might gain insight into other methods (toys, tricks, or fantasies) that arouse you. Have fun!!!!

Peach: There is definitely a short answer to your question: No, you are absolutely not in danger of losing sensitivity. I checked a few medical resources just in case: Alice, Columbia University’s anonymous health service site, has a very good post on the topic; also, The Kinsey Institute (of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male fame) has a Q&A on the same topic.
But I think there is a larger question looming for you, Vibragirl, which has more to do with why your Hitachi is the best or only means to orgasm for you. That’s something I don’t think you need to worry about, but it’s certainly something to think about.
My guess is that you’re still learning how to negotiate your body’s pleasure zones to get the feelings that mean orgasm to you. I don’t know how old you are, but as you might notice from our recent Orgasm Poll and the website it links to, people (women especially) come to terms with their particular pleasures at all kinds of different rates. Your magic wand may be the best means for you right now, but rest assured that this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, your sexuality, or your technique. Rest assured also that you don’t need to be married to that vibrator for life – good news if you move to Alabama, where vibrators are illegal! I think Gwen and Nicole Marie have already done an excellent job of clarifying how vibrators can be self-educational tools as well as instruments of pleasure - you may discover that what you need is not the fast vibration but a particular angle on your clitoris, or some other thing. Personally, my life changed when I discovered that the clitoris had a hidden shaft, and that mine preferred stimulation there (rather than the visible glans) – but that’s certainly not true for everyone, and it’s also not the sort of thing you’d find in a book (unless that book happens to be Natalie Angier’s Woman: An Intimate Geography).
I would add one caveat though: if you frequently use the same toy to achieve results, it’s possible that you’ll become accustomed to climaxing in that particular way. That’s not at all like desensitization (although it may seem like you’re desensitized to orgasms in other contexts) and it’s hardly a harmful condition… more a state of mind. One of the most marvelous discoveries for me was that my orgasms can vary greatly according to my mood, my or my partner’s technique, and all kinds of things. It’s difficult to explain orgasms in words (I usually have a good laugh at romance novels that try), but I suppose I’d compare some of these orgasms to eruptions, others to waves washing over me, others to being tickled mercilessly (those are funny). Sometimes my partner asks me, “Did you come?” and I have to say “I’m not sure…” because I’m feeling an unfamiliar pleasure sensation and need a few minutes to get my bearings and name it. Who knows why – I suppose there are physiological reasons such as variation in blood flow and chemical release, but since (as we’ve mentioned elsewhere) the largest sexual organ is the brain, I expect that all the various emotional extremities I experience are largely in my head. My point is: whatever you’re feeling, if it feels good, accept it. Don’t get married to a particular arc of pleasure, or the idea of A Good Orgasm (as if there is only one). No need for you to give up the magic wand, since it makes you feel good! But when you’re in other sexual situations (masturbating with your fingers or with a different toy; intercourse with a partner), try not to compare those different pleasures with the pleasures of the Hitachi. You may be surprised at the range of responses your body can enjoy!

Dear readers,

Sometimes people have such burning questions about sex that they cannot wait for us, or Dan Savage, or Dr. Laura, or any other self-enthroned sexperts of the world - and so they turn to that most reliable of counselors, Google.
Sometimes, wisely, Google and its ilk direct the wonderers here - and hopefully, the askers find the answers they seek. In many cases, however, the questions are not directly addressed by the site, and the asker may be hard pressed to find a conclusive answer on our pages.
But the questions are almost always easily answered. Thus, we present: Burning Questions, Vol.1

Does rite aid sell levonelle in america?

Rite Aid does not sell Levonelle in America. Rite Aid should sell Plan B without a prescription everywhere in the United States, although many pharmacies reserve the right to refuse to sell it to you.
Levonelle and Plan B are both brands of emergency contraception, a type of drug with a chemical composition similar to that of oral contraceptives. Plan B is the brand that has been approved by the FDA for sale in the United States; Levonelle is popular in Italy, Portugal, and Italy. Princeton has an excellent website that can provide you information about where particular brands of EC are sold, and what brands of EC are sold in particular countries.
Emergency contraception should be taken before pregnancy occurs: that is, after the act of intercourse but before the egg adheres to the lining of the uterus. If are concerned that you might become pregnant after unprotected sex or unsuccessful use of contraceptives, you should try to take emergency contraceptives within the 72 hours following intercourse - the sooner the better! If you are in a position where it is difficult or impossible to obtain emergency contraception without a prescription, you may try going to a hospital to request a prescription - that worked for one of our panelists.

Is EC okay while taking birth control?

Yes. Even if you take oral contraceptives regularly, you may need to back them up with emergency contraceptives if you’ve recently missed one or more pills, particularly the active pills; if you are taking antibiotics or other types of medication that are known to reduce the effectiveness of the pill; if you have been suffering from vomiting or diarrhea and may not have absorbed the pill into your system. If you are not sure whether EC is necessary in one of these situations, check the information booklet that came with your daily contraceptive, or check the website for that brand, or call your doctor! Different brands use different combinations of hormones and those hormones vary by week, so there will be a number of factors that determine your risk of pregnancy.
Taking either or both emergency contraception and daily contraception is fairly safe; however, introducing a high concentration of hormones into your body may make you feel nauseous or cause you to vomit. Naturally, all of these factors are highly variable by brand of BC and EC - so again, check with your instruction booklet, your doctor, and the website.
Additional note: Some, but not all, forms of daily birth control may be used in place of emergency contraception - but dosage varies by brand. Princton, again, has a useful list.

Sex advice: how often is normal?

As often as is comfortable and desirable for you, with the enthusiastic consent of your partner(s)! Our writers offer some of their own exerience in this on the Running Numbers panel.

What’s cum taste like?

The taste of a man’s semen varies from man to man, and the taste of a woman’s vaginal fluid varies from woman to woman. If you are considering oral sex for the first time and want to get the lay of the land first, we recommend dipping a gentle finger in your partner’s cum or pre-cum and having a taste!
Some basics, though: Semen is not just sperm, but secretions from various parts of male reproductive system that carry with them a number of components that safeguard sperm on its way out: potassium, zinc, citric acid, fructose, phosphorylcholine, spermine, free amino acids, prostaglandins, among other things. Also, semen is basic (as opposed to acidic) so it may smell slightly of ammonia - but as you can see, its flavor is complicated by the presence of sugars and ordinary body salt. Vaginal secretions, on the other hand, are more acidic - the acids are the product of the vaginal’s natural bacteria that keep the inside clean and healthy - and may also contain carbohydrates, amino acids, and proteins. (Sounds delicious, doesn’t it?) The fluids of both men and women may be joined by smegma, which is basically shed skin cells, skin oils and sweat that can collect in the folds of genital tissue or in pubic hair.
Beyond the essential chemistry, the taste of sexual fluids may vary due to diet - some green vegetables like broccoli, spices like garlic and curry, and fluids like alcohol and fruit juice can make their presence known. And of course, individuals tend to have a unique taste that is the product of their own personal chemistry.

Do partners always climax simultaneously?

Hee hee, hee hee.
There. Now that the giggle is out of the way, Sex Calumny will be happy to answer this question: No, and that’s okay!
Partners can climax simultaneously, and many find it fulfilling and pleasurable to do so. However, one reason that many people don’t climax simultaneously is that human bodies can take such different journeys to orgasm.
Consider: Male and female orgasms follow more or less similar phases. First, stimulated arousal or excitation, during which blood begins to flow to the genital area and engorge the pleasure centers. Second, a phase of sustained pleasure in which blood continues engorge the sex organs, which remain sensitive to pleasure: for men, this is erection; for women, it is called plateau and is not so easily discerned. Men and women alike typically need continued stimulation during this phase. Third, orgasm, a series of highly pleasurable muscle contractions; for men, this is usually concurrent with ejaculation. Finally, resolution, during which the muscles release their tension and the sex organs return their normal size. So men and women are not as different as is commonly understood! But for many heterosexual couples, intercourse may begin when the male partner is in phase two, erection, but the female partner is still in phase one; vaginal intercourse usually gives the male partner the stimulation he needs to sustain erection and trigger orgasm while the female partner is not always stimulated satisfactorily by thrusting. You can see why mens’ and womens’ bodies are not exactly equipped for simulataneous orgasm on their own. And here’s another catch: womens’ bodies may differ widely from other womens’ bodies in terms of sexual needs and desired stimulation; likewise for men. Even same-sex partners aren’t equipped to come together.
How does anyone do it, then? Sometimes by luck; more often, though, simultaneous orgasm might be encouraged by being aware of your own phases of sexual pleasure and what it takes to get you there, by communicating openly about these, by observing your partner’s pleasure during sex and modifying your behavior, by experiencing additional stimulation from seeing/feeling your partner close to orgasm.
Sex Calumny enthusiastically embraces the pleasure of simultaneous orgasm, but discourages readers from making it THE goal of sex. Sex can still be successful if one partner comes first and assists the second partner to a degree specified by the second partner. Sex can still be successful if one partner comes twice and the other partner comes once. Sex is even successful you stop fucking, do something else for awhile (such as talk or caress each other), and return to pleasuring each other when you’re ready later. The most important things to remember, we think, are to be conscious of what gives each other pleasure; talk about it before, during, or after the act; try to agree on when sex ends the way you try to agree on when it begins.
For more thoughts on the importance of orgasms in general, see our panel on The Importance of Orgasms.

Good champagne to eat with strawberries?
Your Sex Calumny admins enjoy prosecco, themselves - a drier, often citrusy sparkling wine that makes a delicious and palate-stimulating aperitif, dessert wine, or fruit and cheese accompaniment. But to give you some options, we checked wine network Snooth for recommendations. Among the top rated sparklings were: Champagne Billecart-Salmon Cuvée Elisabeth Salmon; Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin’s Champagne Brut Rosé Vintage Reserve; and last but possibly most, Louis Roederer Brut Champagne Cristal.
Any of those bottles will run you $60-$250 (the Louis Roederer) a pop. Fortunately, Snooth has search controls for champagne lovers on Sex Calumny’s budget: consider Pommery Brut Champagne or Bollinger Brut Grande Annee, both rated highly by Snooth and available for $30 or less. ; )

This poll is stolen shamelessly from Jezebel.com, although it has been stripped of the charm and snark peculiar to that site. But it is an irresistible question, posed mainly to the female readers (although, naturally, it is anonymous and open to everyone):

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If you go over and check out the original post, which I think you should, you’ll read the tale of the original, conversational version of this poll among the Jezebel writers: some of them mastered the art of definitive orgasms before they mastered algebra, while several others did not until after college. Read the comments following the poll and note that both early and late bloomers report feeling shame about their orgasm status - it makes one wonder what the culturally perceived “normal” orgasm age is, and how it is supposed to be attained when discussing such personal details is deemed culturally inappropriate.

Voila: a poll, and a comment box. Feel free to tell us about how you first got there!

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Now the obvious question we’d like you to answer in comments would be: Which toys?

In case anyone is interested, Sex Calumny would like to start posting reviews of sex toys in addition to our reviews of films and books. Some of us remember our first embarrassing and bewildering forays into the world of pleasure enhancers - even taking into consideration the wonderful wide variation of how toys are used by individuals, imagine how useful it would have been to have had a sense of what’s out there and how it might work!

His body slackens and his weight falls on me. It’s over. Finished. Finito. The deed done and by God, hopefully, it was good.

Then it starts: the trickles of sweat cool; the skin feels taunt and sticky; my mouth is dry. After the mountainous rush of endorphins that mark the expected climax fades, I am left with a startling awkward silence

What can be said? What should be said? What must be said? Anything? Everything?

He moves off me. The silence drags on. Enter my most unfortunate post-coital quirk: a dire need for communication, for affirmation, for acknowledgement. It seeps into the moment, cajoling me into the irrepressible urge to ignore those positive chemicals that are coursing joyously from vagina to brainstem. Before I’ve even caught my breath, I begin the process of worrisome evaluation, otherwise known as the ‘was it good for you?’ examination.

This is the uncomfortable epilogue to many of my sexual encounters with first-time partners. I’m not referring to those encounters that were obviously unfulfilling and don’t need much examination afterward to know it was bad. I’m talking about those completely ambiguous romps that leave me wondering what the hell just happened in this bed (or maybe on top of this pile of old winter coats stored in my friend’s basement). The kind of rumination that shoots down my confidence purely by inner monologue and ruins what was probably a totally awesome fuckfest. I analyze my every movement, moan, facial expression, dirty word, and then decide that I completely suck and this guy will probably never talk to me again.

Within two minutes of the orgasm, I have become completely crestfallen and insecure. And my hopes were so high!

What did I do wrong? Why am I so sure it wasn’t good for him?

Maybe it’s because he hasn’t said so. In fact, he hasn’t said damn thing since that last labored grunt. In those two minutes of deathly quietness, the dude hasn’t spoken a word to me, hasn’t tendered any affectionate coo in my direction nor made any eye contact. He’s just lying in the same position he landed in once he vacated his position on top of me, with his eyes closed and his mouth sort of slack. I can’t bring myself to break the ice and encourage a dialogue. The intimacy of the moment is completely lost.

It’s been two minutes and I’ve already decided I never want to fuck him again. This first time with this guy has turned into the last time.

It was always like this. I was always wracked with this sudden spasm of self-deprecation after the first time with a guy. In my mind, my vagina abruptly became as undesirable a passage as the straits of Scylla and Charibdis. I could practically feel regret and loathing radiating off him. Yet I was too timid to speak up and simply ask “Was it good for you?” I think even if he answered that it was the most incredible night of his life, I wouldn’t have felt any better. The problem wasn’t the silence. The problem was me and my need for validation after the fact. But I was at a loss at how to shut off the self-evaluation that sprung up so naturally after sex. When my partner took too long to give me some sign of appreciation for rocking his world, I used it as a confirmation of my inadequacy.

It was a one night stand that cured me. The kind of one night stand you go into prepared. I liked the guy, he liked me. I knew he wasn’t a worthy long term investment. But I still want a piece of it, and the feeling was mutual. Still he was not the kind of man a woman should get emotionally involved with. It was because of this danger that I steeled myself against caring about how this guy would feel about me afterwards. I went in with a blank slate and no expectations beyond great sex. It would be a “Fuck him, then ‘fuck him!’” encounter. In the end, it was one of the most intimate experiences of my life. But like all the rest, the experience was punctuated with a deafening silence.

This time I wasn’t wrestling with inner-criticism brought on the need for reassurance. With every other partner, I wanted a man who would instantly roll over and tell me how perfect and wonderful I made him feel, giving me a verbal gold star. I wanted compliments and acceptance. I wanted a stroked pussy and a stroked ego. What I usually got was sex where I waited so long for flattery and encouragement that I ended up missing the boat, sex where I completely ignored my own physical experience and concentrated only on his. This habitually left me disappointed and discouraged.

Not this time. I went into the encounter determined to be selfish. I finally focused on what sex did to me, not to my partner. As a result, my pleasure soared and that ending silence communicated a host of mutual understanding. My previous preoccupation with what my partner was experiencing and how that would reflect on me afterward had been obscuring my own experience. What had been missing from my previous encounters had not been the pretty words that I desperately wanted to fill the silence; it had been me. I realized that nothing he could say before during or after could validate me. Only I could do that.

Once I did validate myself, I heard the noise behind the quiet. What happens to everyone in the aftermath of the act is a deeply personal experience that can’t be shared, but it can be experienced in a parallel fashion. The post-coital silence is almost anything but silent. There is an explosion of communicative vibration and physicality that surpasses language and speaks volumes.

Now, of course, there are people out there who utterly ignore their partner after climax and pretty much every moment after that, without appreciation or graciousness. There are also legions of great talkers who are more than happy to give a play-by play review of the horizontal shuffle. And, of course, there are the rare specimens, those partners who will fill your ears with warm, romantic praises of your beauty and sexual talent.

But if anyone should find themselves locked in strained silence wondering ‘was it good for him?’, answer the question yourself first and worry about him later. Be selfish. Enjoy some self-discovery and don’t over-think it! After all, sex isn’t a cerebral activity. Let the silence reign on! When he finally turns over and throws his arm around you, don’t worry! It’s (probably) not a pity-spooning.